Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
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Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Aight bet
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
(Jupiter –
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.