I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
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Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Twitter is an abusement park.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal