You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
You Might Also Like
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
can I use a minion as a tampon
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower