Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
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My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
drew a comic about my origin story
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex