┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
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wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
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These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Blew out my flip flop…
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: