TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.