Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
You Might Also Like
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto