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“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.