The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
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sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Stop it! 😂
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers