Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
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Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I am yelling
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling