ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
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Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Cake safety first. Always.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*