Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
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Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!