No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
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I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
adding to the discourse
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Poetry is my passion
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game