Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
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JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
They’re on their honeymoon
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
classic mixup
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?