You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
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I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
What personal space?
My dog
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.