Good Morning.
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Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
This rocks
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea