art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
You Might Also Like
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
How I’d get arrested…
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I’m already scared
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo