Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Baller is short for ballerina
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?