Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
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boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
S/o to @funTweeters .
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.