Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
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There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.