Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
rapatouille
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.