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As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”