Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
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I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Very good news from my accountant
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds