Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.