ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
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This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.