My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good