You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.