A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
You Might Also Like
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Just parrot things