Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
You Might Also Like
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.