Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
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Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I like long walks away from everyone
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.