“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
You Might Also Like
Straight people are cancelled
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.