Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
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I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Choose your fighter
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped