If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
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Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
DOOO EEEET
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept