ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
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*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Um … Hot Wings please
Fight fire with water. Idiots.