If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Basketball
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
This makes total sense…
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.