Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I’m awake but I object,
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
White Castle for the Win
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?