My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
My work here is don’t.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.