If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
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Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My wife gives the best headache.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away