N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
You Might Also Like
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Try and stop me.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose