I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
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Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Simple enough.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I just love that new Pope smell.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.