I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
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My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me irl
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
The Others (2001)
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.