Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
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technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
accurate
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I know this now 😂
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!