My purse is deeper than some people.
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When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?