I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
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a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
become ungovernable
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects