Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
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The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I think we should hear other voices.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter