at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
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IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
23. the denim jacket
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?