Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
You Might Also Like
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Pringles
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.