wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
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Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Aight bet
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
The Joker was right
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.