All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude