I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
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me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
What flavor cupcake are these
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My Guy
For cardio I live beyond my means.